theotherfootfell

It's that time of year again (2)

2011-09-13T20:22:00.002+01:00

Results day today. Spectacularly anxious in the lead-up, but all fine: no discernible changes to this year's mammogram. Not the usual consultant who I invariably wish to propel through the nearest window, but a very pleasant young lady, who used to assist the lovely Mr Douek. Wonderful. Positively helpful. Informative even.

Four years on, and I'd no idea that radiotherapy is the equivalent to one's very own Picture of Dorian Gray: my right breast will never change, nor wilt, nor fade. Meanwhile, my left will continue to age gracefully and give in to gravity. Eventually, patients succumb to a little surgical titivation, to even themselves up. And who can blame them.

Onward and upward. Toodlepip.

xx

It's that time of year again

2011-09-10T07:09:00.002+01:00

Am in that nowhere zone, midway between my annual mammogram & the results. If I manage to stay asleep until 5am I consider it a bargain, 3am more likely most nights. Getting a remarkable amount of housework done before work & positively scary to engage with once I get there.

See, here I am, pootling at the laptop, resisting the hoover in case it wakes next door's baby, exploring chermoulah chicken recipes for Sunday. Beautiful sunrise today, followed by sitting with my wonderful Lumie lightbox for company, convincing me that it's still high summer.

Results due Tuesday.

Onward and Upward

2011-03-11T07:56:00.000Z

Another entirely uneventful hospital checkup yesterday - so uneventful that I really think it is time to retire this blog. I am officially well, average, boringly normal again.

If I have anything new to say for myself, it will, I trust, have nothing to do with health. And it will be here:

http://queenofdither.blogspot.com

Thank you all for checking in so regularly and for so long. It was an unquantifiably precious help during an extraordinary time.

xxx

Feeling neglected?

2011-01-03T10:20:00.001Z

I know, it’s been ages…. After months consumed by work and winter, here’s evidence I finally saw sunshine. Mysore, a trip down memory lane.. Above: the Southern Star pool, ideal for a little horizontal rest & recuperation, with a fresh lime soda, french fries and Sebastian Faulks.

In the central market….

And at the splendid Hotel Metropole.

A retro moment with my sister..

2010-10-10T17:29:00.001+01:00

Stepping back in time today, thanks to the Alexandra Palace Knitting and Stitching show. First, the Jean Varon dress (I can only say it looks infinitely better on).

And then, a gloriously over the top bit of 1950’s kitchen kitch, ideal for bunting..

Weekend pursuits

2010-10-09T17:36:00.001+01:00

The last of the tomatoes and the most feral annuals have gone today. Leaving breathing space for autumn bulbs, seeds..

And time to make a Molly Keane ‘Nursery Cooking’ banana loaf. If you’re out there, Missy Woodford of renown, that book – replete with comfort food recipes - makes me think of you.

Back to normal

2010-10-03T17:18:00.001+01:00

Well, as normal as I ever get.

My lovely nephew has been here for the weekend. Very orderly child, takes after his father. Lined up all my Ganeshes (Ganeshim? Ganeshot?). Barry Manilow on the radio; walked in the lightest of drizzle despite predicted heavy rain; fantastically successful Mangalore drumstick curry ticking over on the stove. And I’ve managed to buy a winter work suit, after a month of total inability to commit to anything, awaiting test results….

All fine!!

2010-09-29T19:33:00.001+01:00

Ultrasound all fine after a very long month’s worrying. Onward.

Busy day

2010-09-29T08:38:00.001+01:00

Slept in; only woken by colleague phoning in sick. Unfortunate, I said, because I’m not there either. Emergency dental appointment this morning, ultrasound at the Breast Clinic this afternoon. Who’d have thought I’d be grateful for a filling: but I couldn’t have functioned at work today.

Still entirely unclear whether I’ll have definitive results this afternoon – or must I wait for next Tuesday?

I’ll be in touch. Wet but wonderful out there today: one happy sunflower marching on regardless.

It’s a good thing..

2010-09-26T18:49:00.001+01:00

.. my imminently visiting sister doesn’t read this, because a) she’d discover that when him next door & I put the folding bed back together, we were missing 4 bolts; and b) she’d know how worried I am about this Wednesday’s ultrasound.

That lovely milkman has started dropping hints – he wants his bottles back. He’ll soon realise I don’t give up without a fight.

No cameras allowed in Kensington Palace. Pah. Here’s the only decent (Vivienne Westwood) dress in the entire poorly curated ‘Enchanted Palace’ exhibition.

Ridiculously twee repro Victorian spoon from the gift shop, and a conker that plopped at my feet in Hyde Park:

In the Indian kitchen today: some parvals in need of cooking before they wrinkle; two Ronak pickles (what is synthetic vinegar?); some drumsticks and in the background my lovely late teacher & a brace of grandparents.

Letter from my consultant: “most likely benign”.. just keep repeating this until you know different.

RIP Rankin

2010-09-23T16:00:00.001+01:00

No, not that Rankin: my lovely newspaper seller on the corner and neighbour, Rankin, almost made 80. Sold me a paper one morning, took the bus to his hospital check up in the afternoon, dead the next day. And if he wasn’t up before dawn selling papers, he was down the Bowls Club, behind the bar or in front of it. Now, that is what I call a life well lived: did exactly what he wanted, right to the end. Memorial service yesterday. All kilts and Regimental ties.

Someone said, if you don’t feed your blog, it will die. But surely too many inanities and my friends will cease to be so?

Today’s selection, still wet from the garden.

How do I get the bulbs into still-warm soil if the garden insists on erupting with flowers? I can’t pull them out, can I?

Rasam and sambar on the boil; ghee on the simmer. Indian kitchen afternoon. Home-made pesto: why did no-one tell me how easy it is.

Meanwhile…

2010-09-21T07:48:00.001+01:00

I love my chandelier, a thousand butterflies.

Even my yoga space would be as nothing without the milkman.

Work is an invaluable distraction, but it’s turning into a very, very l-o-n-g week.

Make hay…

2010-09-15T07:23:00.001+01:00

Lovely fresh, uplifting lunch – if you’re ever passing Warren Street/Euston Road.. And very convenient for UCLH Outpatients appointments. If that bloody doctor asks me one more time why I don’t want lipomodelling in my healed but scarred breast, I will tell her to take a running jump, “But you’re a young woman!” I am also a woman who is perfectly happy in my body: for whose benefit would I have three general anaesthetics, so that bits of belly fat can be extracted and stuffed down my cleavage through a syringe. Is it just me? How superficial is she? Does the NHS pay her to save lives or create glamour models?

My checkup found no obvious signs of recurrence, but the scar tissue had ‘firmed up’ on my mammogram [which is normal!, normal! everyone, don’t panic! Bloody impossible], so I need an ultrasound, just in case, but not until 29th September [well, it’s a unique way to celebrate Simchat Torah]. Give me a clean bill of health. Now. I don’t want to be invalided out of the life that I’m thoroughly enjoying. Again.

My Mysore

2010-09-13T07:08:00.002+01:00

I so enjoy this photo blog of Mysore in all its crumbling glory. And only 94 days until I'm back there.

http://mymysore.wordpress.com/page/5/

Triffids

2010-09-02T07:06:00.001+01:00

See what I mean? They’ve overtaken! Trying to concentrate on work now, without flashing back to yesterday’s mammogram (results not available for a fortnight).

Even more annuals

2010-08-15T19:55:00.001+01:00

Gloriosa Superba Rothschildiana – grown from tubers picked up at Chelsea Flower Show.

Delicate Cleome, from 5 St Regis Close NGS Open Garden sale. Everything I ever buy there, works.

No idea what it is – from a prolific seed packet – thank you 99p shop (Muswell Hill).

And another one, same packet.

Sort of Physalis?

And the Nicotiana is bidding to take over the front garden.

Rumour has it..

2010-08-11T07:30:00.003+01:00

.. that my neighbours are going to get rid of those two trees.

Meanwhile, everything in the garden is blooming..

.. and I’ve decorated the front room a very peaceful, rather grown-up colour…

Politically suspect stitchcraft

2010-07-25T07:27:00.001+01:00

I’m considering making a new frock for my mum’s lovely Merryweather doll (always known as ‘black dolly’, so as not to confuse her with anyone else in the toy cupboard). She’s been wearing that same outfit since the morning of Di & Charles’ wedding, when I had the day off school and didn’t know what to do with myself waiting for Diana to step out of the carriage.

Made somewhere to keep the alphabet until the current obsession with customised bunting passes by.

Tiger in the garden

2010-07-20T10:54:00.001+01:00

View from my kitchen window.

Tiger enjoying some morning sunshine.

Ate my first courgette from the vegetable patch last night. Perfection.

A thriving Group 3 clematis.

The camera took this photo without any human assistance, sitting on my dining table.

Everything’s coming up roses

2010-06-30T06:41:00.000+01:00

The roses have taken over three fence panels – time for even more training wires.

I’m sorry no-one can smell these old fashioned sweet peas except me.

Spot the difference

2010-06-25T06:42:00.001+01:00

April ….

… June.

April again …

… and June. I have a level path, an outdoor table that catches the sun, a vegetable plot, and plenty of idle time to contemplate what to plant in the gaps.

Bright boy, aged 21 and six eighths

2010-06-20T07:50:00.004+01:00

If you're passing Central St Martin's in the Charing Cross Road any time before Thurs 24th - have a peek at this year's Degree Show, drag yourself up to Room 901 and enjoy some fine doodling.

One of Abraham Christie's inspired works now hangs happily on my wall. You have great things ahead of you, youngster.

http://nervousinacape.blogspot.com/

footfall loves ebay

2010-06-06T07:11:00.000+01:00

Remember these? Most stylish, but lacking a little something in the practicality department. My most splendid god-daughter just sold them on ebay for [if the buyer's reading this only marginally] more than I paid for them.

Enough to cover acquisition of new garden furniture, four Chelsea Flower Show sell-off clematis and some Rothschildiana tubers. Much more fun.

Onward

2010-05-15T21:01:00.000+01:00

That's a £2 Woolworth's closing down sale garden arch, soon to be covered with rambling rose. View from my breakfast table.

Saw oncologist this week - once a year from now on;
Mammogram - once a year;
Breast Clinic - once a year.

And my most reckless purchases dating back to my very bonkers phase are currently on ebay. Let the bidding war begin. The strangest footwear looks like it is off to Japan.

He’s watching you

2010-04-29T19:54:00.000+01:00

I painted the shed

2010-04-22T19:35:00.000+01:00

What's a month or two between old friends?

2010-01-23T17:31:00.002Z

So there I was, checking who'd visited this blog (again), when it occurred to me: how patient (?), persistent (?), blindly optimistic (?) these individuals are, when there's been nothing new to read for so long, that Twitter's taken over the universe and I now wear varifocals.

A belated New Year's greeting to all those "multiple visits spread over more than one day", as Statcounter calls you; in Rye, Montclair and Miami Beach (why, why, would anyone in Miami ruddy Beach read this rather than look out of the window??), not to mention Ottawa, Beverley Hills and Houston, and never forgetting the old faithfuls so much nearer home in Cambridge, London, Bucks and Berks.

I failed to record the snow at its thickest, above is the garden taken groggily the last morning it snowed so feebly here, that I was obliged to go to work, when I would have rather stayed home to watch the foxes leave tracks all over it. Below is indoors same evening.

Health's entirely fine these days. Recently signed off by a gastro-enterology consultant who took an extra course in booming in a loud and confident manner to reassure his maturer clientele, "Your liver is boringly [ridiculous pause] normal. Your pancreas is boringly [same pause - maybe he belongs to an Amateur Dramatics society?] normal. If all of my patients were as normal as you..." I practically finished the sentence for him. Still, at least someone, somewhere thinks I'm normal. Whatever next?

And..

2009-10-02T15:40:00.001+01:00

my September mammogram results just came back as clear. Time to celebrate, methinks.

Well

2009-09-15T18:43:00.002+01:00

Check up today, all's well, give or take a rather weird doctor who kept complimenting my left, unadulterated, breast - really not the right time or place for flattery, lady, please.

And here's a lovely bit of the Haute Loire where I went walking last month.

Mr Nitin rides again

2009-06-17T19:51:00.004+01:00

Where would I be without him, and his fine selection of continental fruit, vegetables and sundry items, madam? I ate the Alphonso mango and chicoos overlooking the Serpentine, half way through a pleasant potter along the Princess Diana Heritage Trail (or somesuch). Came home to Aroona's fabulously (un)reliable recipes while listening to a lovely bit of Dudley Moore's music on Radio 4. Clockwise from the carrots.. carrot kosumali (Mangalore), potato curry (Andhra Pradesh), cluster bean kootu (only I doubt they're cluster beans - I'm rubbish at identifying my beans), brinjal curry, some organic curds, a lime pickle ("This product may contain nuts" - oh, give it a rest"), and a mango chhundo, home made in innermost Tottenham.

Pretty spots

2009-06-16T19:56:00.003+01:00

Sheep, in Henry Moore's back garden. Lovely walking country thereabouts (Much Hadham, "Voted Hertfordshire's Best Kept Village". Not sure I'd want to live up to the pressure. No space for drooping window box planting round their way.) Got revoltingly lost. Again. Not my fault this time. I blame the hand-drawn map.
On the seafront at Whitstable, Kent. Peace, quiet, good food and a groyne for shelter.

There's something very refreshing about almost nobody reading this any more. I can write and feel like I'm talking to myself all over again. And I can puzzle over who my visitors are: what is the Virtual Internet Backbone in Orissa? Why would someone visit me from there? And, good gracious, who in Tennessee has a fascination with that 1972 Singer sewing machine. Greetings to whoever in Ostroleka, Segorbe, Riyadh, Hinsdale, Kyoto ... (though it took a week for you all to pass by.)

Wales

2009-05-30T10:16:00.003+01:00

Having become spectacularly lost while failing to follow a map, I realised that walking along a river is far, far more reliable. View from Offa's Dyke Path below. Lovely, isn't it?

And now the Shipping Forecast ...

2009-05-15T18:39:00.002+01:00

South Viking:
Easterly 5 to 7, occasionally gale 8 for a time. Moderate becoming rough, occasionally very rough later. Rain later. Moderate or good.

Oncology review yesterday. All perfectly fine. No need to see them for a year.

Tyne Dogger Fisher German Bight:
East or southeast 5 to 7, occasionally gale 8 except in Tyne. Moderate or rough. Rain or showers. Moderate or good, occasionally poor.

Still walking.

In case you were wondering..

2009-05-01T18:51:00.003+01:00

I'm doing very well right now. Working four days a week, acclimatising to it more and more. Have convinced myself that in lieu of a fancy holiday after working flat out all year, that it's rather wonderful to have a mini-holiday mid-week every week. I go on longer and longer walks as I get fitter, with picnic lately. Perhaps I should take the camera. I have no proof of the heron and two swans I saw in Hyde Park, or the wonderfully headscarfed woman on her mobile saying "So I'll see you at the Conservative Party luncheon next week?" I am developing an expert knowledge of public toilets in interesting places (the gift shop at Kensington Palace is of particular note, should one require spaciousness). Sometimes I wear a pedometer, and my loopy record to date is 15,796 steps, which equates to 7.47 miles and a well-deserved marine ices double scoop.

The other week I walked to Kenwood and back, my sister said "Why?" but I rather enjoyed it. Found any number of fantasy homes I'd purchase in a parallel lifetime en route. There's no-one there looking at the collection of antique buckles or the portrait miniatures on a Wednesday. It's delightful, and I hope this phase goes on for a very, very long time.

Don't watch this space

2009-03-25T11:11:00.003Z

Wonderful - breast clinic check-up yesterday, and nothing to report. They've finally replaced the much missed Mr Trustworthy Surgeon with someone new, with a brain. All manner of plastic surgery/tarting up options are now available, should I be inclined (not that I am right now - though the version involving shifting some body fat around with liposuction to even me up sounded tempting for all the wrong reasons). Mammogram in September, then annually, and if no hiccups for five years, discharged.

Celebrated with sweets from Ambala (there would have been more to photograph, but I ate them).

Inspired pictures in the post today from a dear friend with imagination and humour: she took a paper cut-out me on a road trip to Mysore, and captured me eating, swimming and generally enjoying myself, in all my favourite places. Now all I need to do is build up my working hours, earn a little, and go there for real.

Thank you all very, very much for checking up on me so often and faithfully, but it's time to stop coming back! No news is exceedingly good news, so it is time for me to get on with life and stop this blogging. Bye bye.

Oh God, that sounds a bit too final, doesn't it? So maybe I'll stick a photo or two on once in a long while. Alright?

Nothing scandalous

2009-03-18T18:05:00.003Z

Clematis out today.

After a delightful morning, fossicking in the garden, an afternoon of sudoku and [insert name of embarrassing easy listening track here] in another hospital waiting room, feeling ludicrously well and out of place. Tried convincing eager young gastro-enterology doctor that I really was perfectly well now, unless you thump me just under the ribcage, which by and large, nobody ever does. Alas no, I was far too interesting, nay baffling, and my x-rays worthy of discussion at some case conference or other and sent off for more blood tests (mystifyingly high copper levels, apparently) and heading back there on a no doubt equally sunny afternoon in July.

Fine!

2009-03-16T12:15:00.002Z

Entirely fine mammogram this morning. Time to breathe out.

A hiding to nowhere

2009-03-13T16:53:00.002Z

The daffs are back.

Wound myself up for nothing: traipsed up to town to hospital, but it turns out my appointment only existed in my diary, not on their computer. So I have another one for Tue 24th, and now I need a nap.
Thanks to our E for a red t-shirt - obligatory wear at work this morning (fundraising for Comic Relief).

Quite a day

2009-03-12T18:08:00.003Z

And suddenly I have followers, so how can I not write? Today, a funeral, for a lovely woman whose wedding I only attended last August. No warning, just gone, leaving a partner and two of the youngest children. Two coachloads of Metropolitan police folk at the ceremony, and glasses raised in L's memory at the Tivoli Ballroom, all 1920's red plush velvet glamour, scene of past splendours.

So, no, I haven't given any thought to tomorrow's check up, and next Monday's, and next Wednesday's. I'm back in the world of work now, no more space for illness. And I feel absolutely fine. Mind you, I am seeing that incredibly stupid (well, tactless, no, daft) woman tomorrow. I keep waiting for someone else to enter, stage left, and move her to one side, "Did we have you fooled there? Time for the real doctor to take over now". Will take Sudoku, the Daily Telegraph, Elizabeth Gaskell and the ipod. That, and a morning at work, should keep my mind off it.

One that got away

2009-03-10T19:13:00.002Z

Just when you thought I'd given up on this blog - here's the last fairy cake that escaped the Comic Relief cake stand. And I escaped work early today and good thing too.

No news is good ..

2009-03-05T08:50:00.003Z

Ticking over nicely here. Officially working 24 hrs a week now. My tiny little unhealed area is about the size of a generously proportioned vitamin pill, no bigger. And I even went as far as enquiring about returning to the mellow yoga class at the Bowls Club round the corner - haven't actually been yet, but it's a start.

Neglected

2009-02-26T10:31:00.002Z

Hello dear old neglected blog, but for the best of reasons - no dramas. Could I have squeezed a few more bulbs into that window box? Still slowly healing up - surely, not far to go now (?); and hoping to increase my part-time hours a little from next week. What else? Made pancakes (far too oddly shaped to merit a photo).

Farewell, seaweed

2009-02-16T19:13:00.002Z

At last! As of today, no more seaweed dressing, and I can finally submerge myself in the bath, on the understanding that I've slung in a generous handful of salt, not bath crystals, so as to enable the very last centimetre or two to heal. I am jubilant. And so, for the first night in five and a half months, I can go to bed without wearing a bra to keep my dressings in place. This is bliss!

And it had better heal up, because it's only a month until the next mammogram.

Spring

2009-02-15T11:20:00.003Z

Last year's orgy of magazine purchasing is paying dividends: this week I've been on a sentimental journey to Cape Cod (note to self, next time, be sure to buy Shy Brothers' Cheeses), and am almost tempted to crochet this ted.

My fascination continues for food items not seen since childhood on Bubi's dining table. They're all back, thanks to the Polish importers. This week's experiment: horseradish with beetroot. I have no idea what to eat it with, but it smells brilliant and looks, well, pink.

My first flower of the year. It may not be much to look at, but I'm thrilled that it's here. I've had a quiet, far from hasty week. Long may the calm continue. Finally watched wonderful Mr Davies' adaptation of Gaskell's 'Wives and Daughters', and am now desperate for next Saturday's final instalment. I'm sure I had a copy upstairs, but can I find it? This week's library find: Linda Grant's The Clothes on their Backs - Hungarian emigre life in post-war London, I was hooked.

Novelty

2009-02-07T12:08:00.003Z

I survived! Three very part-time go-slow mornings at the office. Snow prevented anyone working on Monday or Tuesday, but resulted in this very fine crocheted coat hanger, plenty of Sudoku and optimal usage of my library card. Why does PD James' editor allow her to keep going? It's time to be put out to pasture, please! Do not read 'The Private Patient' unless very desperate indeed. Fared far better with Belinda Starling's 'Journal of Dora Damage': bonkers Victorian bookbinding with plenty of earthy period detail. Fab.

I wondered whose cat was on the shed until I realised it was a fox..

Off for a haircut now.

Thank you

2009-02-01T11:12:00.006Z

It has taken me so very long to slow down, calm down, and just when I've finally got there... Tomorrow I go back to work. It had to happen, some time. And it'll be part-time, to begin with, and possibly in perpetuity.

Thank you, everybody, so much for reading, clicking, commenting, coming back time after time to this blog, through all my ups, downs, fads and melodramas. I'm so relieved to say, that the time's come to post far less frequently. I will let you all know how the week goes, but not until next weekend; I'll see quite enough of computers in the workplace. Writing this has been so valuable to me, but, mercifully, it's not essential to my well-being any more (if I should ever return to 60 entries a month, I'll have to amend that comment).

I found a button somewhere, "Delete blog", but as much as some of the entries make my toes curl, I shan't be doing that, it's become a friend. Here goes. Wish me luck.

Hello, team

2009-01-29T18:58:00.002Z

Just to let you know, that all went well at hospital today. Both oncology and radiotherapy consultants were all commiserations re: my never healing wound, and both said I could leave my ovaries alone, and let them continue to wind down in their own good time. Leaving them increases my risk factors, but so marginally as to not justify interfering.

Thanks to an integrated computer system, Dr S was also able to tell me the long-awaited results of my MRI scan - pancreatic divisium (I may not have the spelling entirely right and please don't ask me what it means, some minor quirk), explains the pain, but again, no action needed. I have a check-up in March with the gastro-enterology people for more info on this.

Big breath out. Patisserie Valerie with KW to celebrate.

Only in Hampstead

2009-01-28T09:45:00.002Z

You can tell you're in a better neighbourhood when.. a man introduces himself to the bookshop proprietor with, "Hello, my name's Dannie Abse. Did you want me to sign some books?"

No photographs (forgot the camera), but I had a lovely view of the Heath, tea (with tea leaves), teacakes, a good book rummage and dinner with cousins. All very cheering.

Any day now my cough will allow me to sleep through the night, but for now, I am still enormously grateful not to be working. Until next Monday, which looms. And tomorrow, hospital, which looms even larger. Onward and upward.

One more shed

2009-01-26T12:49:00.003Z

I want to adopt it.
Underneath the arches - an unfamiliar park, preposterously close to home.
Same place.

Experiment

2009-01-24T09:36:00.003Z

If you have a few minutes, do try the newest link on the left. Place the States correctly on a blank map, complete with sound effects. I scored 64% on a first try, and was out by 264 miles on average (which sounds rather good, considering I'm not American).

Off to be a responsible adult for the weekend, in charge of three young folk. What trusting parents, I'm flattered. Am assuming we'll survive on a trip to the park, gameboys and novelty value.

Bring back photography

2009-01-22T14:05:00.004Z

JB gave me this cat years ago. He's waiting for spring, then he'll stand up amid the annuals.

There's no such thing as winter in London. This is the shed window box. Good thing I didn't go to great lengths to turn it into an outdoor study, considering just how little writing has happened lately. Stress brings on writing; that waiting room on Tuesday => immediate outpourings.

Had tea with the boss yesterday; agreed a gentle return-to-work plan. It's wonderful not to be dreading it any more - a clear sign of being stronger. Pity about the cold, but all things being relative, you can't have it all.

Insufficiently technically minded this month, so I can't find a way to hear Otto's Opera House. I'm making do with Handel on Radio 3.

Swearing in, out and elsewhere

2009-01-20T18:09:00.003Z

Home from a four hour (moreorless pointless) lurk in outpatients to enjoy the Presidential Stumbling In (well, I'd be nervous too, in the circumstances). And Michelle has my sage green gloves - excellent taste.

No news from UCLH, other than some vague, half-hearted recommendations regarding bathing and dressing my wound myself. Frankly, if the doctor's own dressing (never, ever trust a doctor to do this. Find a nurse, they've been trained) fell out after ten measly minutes, what chance I'd get it right/sterile? Will weigh it all up with trustworthy Nursey tomorrow, one more time.

We all get a little desperate in the waiting room. Especially by the fourth hour. Reading matter (not mine, I'd stress) ranged from the Metro, to Jilly Cooper, to The Suicidal Adolescent (that'd take your mind off stuff). My Sudoku technique is improving; I forgot my ipod; I'm getting a cold. It could all be a great deal worse.

2009-01-19T12:08:00.002Z

Had a complicated time with my dressing yesterday, and counted down the hours until my lovely Nurse could resolve it and reassure me this morning, both of which she has. Reaching the end of my tether with it all. Let it be over and something approximating to normality resume.

Breast Clinic check-up tomorrow, which I am presuming will be very routine and very dull.

Sunshine

2009-01-17T13:52:00.002Z

Rather lovely out there. A musical synagogue outing last night and Thai food. And a lovely birthday celebration ahead. Will Mr Jaaneman cope with twenty orders? Will we spend most of the evening in empty-plated patience? Time will tell.

Expect the unexpected

2009-01-15T13:36:00.002Z

Surprise visitor yesterday - former colleague long since emigrated to the land down under, with high quality chocolate. Emergency attempt at shortbread (look closely and you'll see that there were two rounds, one made in a handy circular tin, the other hand-rolled, and there's only half of each remaining, less than 24 hours later. Does the icing sugar disguise the darker-than-it-ought finish? Squint a little & you might notice the Hugh Casson 'Cannes' patterned plate beneath, oh for the whole tea service.

For my friends in yoga, a very exciting development. For anyone else, skip this para: I have today re-mastered the art of jumping from downward dog back as far as my hands (lack of upper body strength had rendered this a preposterous concept until, ooh, yesterday). Enormously happy with myself.

Scouring the library again for anything worth a go. Pleasantly amazed each time. And indulged in a 'Hello' - couldn't resist 'Heather Mills - my new look'.

Alas, no photo

2009-01-13T18:36:00.003Z

A peaceful and happily occupied day. Mild enough to walk comfortably to and from Muswell Hill, inspecting gardens and door knockers. Chose this year's seeds; relying on the ever reliable Chiltern Seeds' selections: Cottage Garden Plants (smaller), Cottage Garden Plants (taller) and the unfailingly brilliant Balcony Mixture (slung each year over an assortment of window boxes, never ceases to impress).

Finished the Jane Austen biography, only to discover a family tree magnificently hidden at the very back - had I only known, I wouldn't have struggled to keep my own all this time, and those Georgians certainly knew how to breed. No doubt my efforts were about as accurate as today's belated attempt at Sudoku. For someone who has never had the remotest interest in numbers, I am quite astonished at how long I was absorbed - couldn't correctly complete a single one, mind.

The "I really should be doing something productive, shouldn't I" feeling [Your job - Ed.] keeps rising up from the depths. I'll be there next month. That's soon enough.

Escapism

2009-01-12T10:14:00.002Z

Grateful thanks to my transatlantic magazine sending heroes. An uplifting escapist couple of hours yesterday. Quite forgot myself.

Never quite made it to Saturday night's event; hope I'll be forgiven. Felt all the better for hunkering down with Jane Austen. Though I shan't be recommending Emma Tennant's 'The Autobiography of the Queen', even lighter weight than I had imagined. And the parkin was an outright disaster, even after leaving a week to mature. Go directly to the bin, do not pass go.

Today I have a candle lit for my mum. 21 years ago. A different age. Feels like a parallel universe.

Off to Nursey one more time. Getting there, getting there.

Colorado

2009-01-10T16:56:00.002Z

OK, I didn't exactly take this photo today, but it is simply too cold out there to stand around with a camera. Disproportionately proud of myself for making the return journey to the library, there are no boots quite like my walking boots for snugness. Current aspiration: light fire and remain in front of it, ad inf. Alas have social obligation involving a) leaving the house and b) not wearing walking boots. Am struggling with this alien concept & may yet give it up entirely.

Gigs and curricles

2009-01-08T10:04:00.003Z

Enjoying my last little soupcon of freedom. Perhaps I should be doing something very practical from the endless 'to do' list. Then again, it becomes clear that some things will never, ever be done, and quite possibly, don't need to be.

So I'm off to see Nursey with a library copy of Claire Tomalin's Life of Jane Austen under one arm, and hopefully the last bucket of seaweed. Wouldn't that be good.

2009-01-06T19:46:00.002Z

Slower than in living memory lately. Perhaps I'm getting as much go-slow as I can before the Great Return (date as yet unspecified but imminent). Have strategically altered placement of radio alarm in endeavour to get out of bed tomorrow during the Today programme's 7-8 slot, rather than in the silence that follows.

Will my Parkin refuse to go sticky if I keep peeking at it?

Walking everywhere in proper winter walking boots; can't forget buying them new laces in the run-up to my first operation, wholly aware of the absurd displacement-activity-madness of it all.

Wandered around Woolworth's final day - a sad, seedy experience. Even the shop fixtures had been ripped down and were on sale.

In a triumph of sense over spontaneity, ordered Emma Tennant's 'The Autobiography of the Queen' from the library en route home.

Yorkshire Parkin

2009-01-05T11:41:00.002Z

All around me, the world is returning to work, and I am photographing Yorkshire Parkin. According to Molly Keane's Nursery Cooking (a collection of comfort recipes if ever there was one), I must leave it in a tin for a week before eating. This seems extremely unfair, even Mrs Beeton only suggests a day or two.

My never-ending-story with Nursey continues. The gap is only a centimetre deep now, progress indeed.

Still Quiet on the Western Front

2009-01-04T11:31:00.002Z

Quiet time of year. Life revolves around cooking, getting some exercise, reading, and any day now, choosing this year's seeds.

Amazed myself by dredging two hazy memories out of the sludge, now added to the stack of 'well one day it might be a short story..' Did someone truly manage to fry eggs on the pavement in the summer of '76?

.. and a happy new year

2009-01-02T16:22:00.002Z

And how well chosen a mug is this? Those gardening girls with the impeccable taste. The small print says "Fresh baked cakes.. every day", though to be truthful, this week has seen more in the way of biscuits. Have to watch like a hawk - they burn in a blink.
Up to Alexandra Palace with SB and children today. Some things remain the same [critical conversation: where to buy the right sort of cheese for cheesecake..] and some things change too fast - how did those children get so tall? When?
Possibly not the finest shot (that's Wood Green shopping city to the left), but hey, at least I got my hands out of my pockets for once. Now have full set of kosher food items for whatever urge should come upon me. Bliss.

Have reached the end of the road with the Dr's surgery book sale - there is nothing, at all, left that I want, not even at 33p/item. It is time to stop going there. If only. Well, a few more weeks..

M

2008-12-30T14:40:00.003Z

As a child, I often stopped at 'M'. It was dead ahead of you, right after handing in last week's books. And so de Maupassant, Somerset Maugham, Alistair Maclean, Ed McBain all came to be read. It was before Alexander McCall Smith's time, or I'm sure I'd have tested him out, and I was a little young for Ian McEwan.

It all came back, even that stuffy but welcome library smell, when I paid my 33p for Ed McBain's Money, Money, Money, published 2001, a copy withdrawn from Haringey's library stock somewhere between then and now (his detectives always did call a spade a spade - and that can get you in some seriously hot water in Haringey).

One loyal reader reports her laptop freezing whenever she tries visiting. Anyone else? Trust I'm not responsible. xx

The days between the years

2008-12-29T16:30:00.003Z

Looks singularly unappetising, doesn't it? But in an hour or two, it will be rasam.
Apologies for not explaining before abandoning shop for days and days, though it felt wonderful to be out of the usual run of things. No computer, no camera, plenty of food, rest and good company. Very reluctant to list presents, as I'll only leave out whichever item is most loved and already forming a role so integral to my daily life, I can't remember not owning it.

Special merit award to the sender of 'Framed in Lace' - there can't be many works of detective fiction out there with multiple references to knitwear, and a free cross-stitch pattern.

Home from Oxford (third and final Christmas cake, safely delivered, though disturbingly crumbly, not sure what I did there), all good intentions re: health and fitness. Made bread and butter pudding within minutes. May I recommend Delia's suggested grating of orange rind. Perfect. There has, however, since been walking, gardening and even (don't faint) yoga. Am determined to build strength/stamina; some shrinkage would be pragmatic, as it'd save purchase of new work suits. A return to my desk is imminent.

Am trying new Marigold treatment intended to speed up closure of this wound that has been going on since September. I stock up on my less frequent visits to the Dr's surgery these days (selling off second-hand books, 3 for £1).

In Christmas mode

2008-12-24T10:23:00.002Z

Who'd have thought he could move so fast. Must have been before lunch.
And what a lunch. Or was it dinner?
Now in their rightful home, supporting the best coats of Guildford...

And I'm, briefly, back in my home. Checked out by Nursey; calming a stroppy cat (spoilt); wrapping and finishing a few more gifts for the next venue. Very merry Christmas one and all.

Back

Merry nearly Christmas!

2008-12-19T15:05:00.004Z

Easily mistaken for an angel reading the last rites to victims of an unfortunate car crash (it was the snow), but in truth the third and final Christmas cake. And how, pray, will the tin fit?

He sits there, all innocence, waiting for the perfect moment to shred the ankles of unsuspecting passers by.

All's well with the homeopaths, and they're suggesting alternative dressings which may yet speed my healing up (but checking first with the surgery team). Home to discover my gastro-enterology appt is now March. Good thing I'm not in unending pain, isn't it?
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Very much looking forward to a few days away from it all. The Surrey hills are calling. This blog will go quiet until about Tuesday. Happy holidays one and all. x

Even more cake

2008-12-19T08:15:00.000Z

There's something very satisfying about resting on the sofa admiring this happy collection.

Cute, even if she did come out of a supermarket packet (don't tell), and slowly sinking in a sea of Royal icing. Now what do I do with all the egg yolks? Have realised that one ices over three days so as to avoid the sinking fairy, and to be sure it's dried. Oops.

Early start - Nursey at 9; Homoeopathic Hospital (though these days more interested in their second hand book stall than anything else) and works luncheon (be brave).

One down, two to go..

2008-12-18T12:46:00.003Z

OK, so how do I get it to Guildford? Come to that, how do I get it in the box? A thoroughly satisfying process - though I confess to neglecting Delia's advice - who in their right mind would stagger the icing over three days?

JB - have collected a mystery object from you from the Post Office. Thank you! I will save it for Christmas/Chanukah.

Remarkably

2008-12-18T10:17:00.002Z

Absolutely no medical appointments today, and no trips out planned either. It's now or never for icing the cakes, sending cards, packing presents... All I have to do is prioritise.

All's well

2008-12-17T10:08:00.002Z

.. for me, anyhow. Beloved sister & family all floored by bugs. Breast Clinic Nursey happy with my progress, but reckons it would be faster if I adopted her hale and hearty showering/DIY dressing technique - can't face it.

Above - mini-pancakes at a Christmas Fair on the South Bank. Served with a generous dollop of Nutella.
Despite determination not to spend, had to have this exhausted looking notebook. It deserved a good home. Lovely afternoon out. Pleasant change to leave hospital and not be in need of several hours' sleep.

Fallen angel

2008-12-16T10:30:00.003Z

Desk back to comforting level of chaos; how's this for a find - calorie counting, the Jewish way, courtesy of my gardening girls.New Saatchi gallery, full of wonders. Fallen angel, minus halo, complete with age spots and neatly tied bow.
And a nursing home full to the brim of decrepit world leaders, in continuous motion thanks to their electric wheelchairs. Gallery attendants obliged to play Nursey, keeping them from ploughing into each other. Could have watched for hours.

More cakes

2008-12-15T14:17:00.002Z

My lovely nun is a master baker. Not satisfied with making convincing hedgehog shaped bread rolls for our entire party over the weekend, she's sent me home with a thoroughly excellent coffee and walnut cake. Why ever did I give her a tin of shop-made biscuits? I hang my head in shame. She can always make use of the tin..

Who exactly followed 'The Rules'? It was all a long time ago, and reads so, so clumsily in the English edition. But it was 33p at the book sale (if only the Nurse had been a little slower, I wouldn't have needed to pay for it at all). "Love Story - a movie you should study like the Bible". Enough said.

Back to earth with a bump

2008-12-15T11:02:00.003Z

Found on a sculpture trail in the Forest of Dean - not underwater, honest.
Handed camera responsibilities over to twin six year olds for the weekend trip to the Welsh border. Santa's Grotto in Clearwell Caves - a children's experience blissfully free from all electronic gadgetry.
Comfortably accommodated at Flanesford Priory, how's that for a view from the front door.
Time enough to catch up with my lovely ex-nun & sit in peace; and the right girl won the X-Factor, everyone cheered. An excellent weekend all in all, the return to everyday life was a little cruel. Sometimes I fantasise about staying there and not coming back - but I don't mean it - dear Rankin gave me a newspaper on tick this morning, and I'll be fitting in the Saatchi Gallery and a South Bank Christmas Fair before the week's out. I enjoy London life really.

It was the prospect of 5 medical appointments this week that brought me back to earth, grumpily (none will be revelatory). One of these days I'm going to elect out of all of it. And believe me, I'm coming close. Still, half an hour waiting for substitute Nursey this morning (she of the very firm hand - but there's nowhere to escape on that table) meant that I bought 3 books for £1 in the surgery Christmas book sale.

Happy birthday to me!

2008-12-12T10:42:00.004Z

Delightful start to my day, with a lie-in and new bath products. Found a jumper I'd forgotten about that feels like new to wear. Brushed the dust off my walking boots and gave them a trial meandering back from Muesli Hill. Eating the last chocolate log, then collecting two much loved small people to get on the road to Wales (and I'm not at the wheel, even better), to see Father Christmas and my favourite nun-that-fell-off-her-perch.

Nowhere near a computer all weekend, so no updates until Monday. Plenty of peace, quiet and sheep, well that's the plan. xx

Cold out there

2008-12-11T18:22:00.004Z

After a fine day with K, catching up, a stubborn fire that wouldn't light - but it did after you left! Look!

And my lovely mum, circa 1952, from our R, in a birthday card. Thank you. I don't seem to take photos outdoors any more. This isn't because I never leave the house, it's because I can't face taking my hands out of my gloves when I'm out there.

Slow of brain

2008-12-11T10:36:00.004Z

Not quite with it this morning. Far too suggestible - purchased a heap of fresh fish from door-to-door North Sea fishermen (it was the accents that did it, plus freshness) - but quite whether I'll get round to eating it all is another question.

Sitting here, fixing up 101 bits of silliness, Nursey has phoned to point out (very politely) that I've missed my appointment. Ho hum. Better be off, then. Leaving one unamused cat, sniffing at fish vapour.

And my lovely KW is on her way down to visit. A treat.

Displacement activities Numbers 27 & 28

2008-12-10T08:43:00.004Z

Give you one guess which is the purchased pincushion, and which the homemade in 5 minutes.
Much as I love a clean home, there's something enormously satisfying about a disordered mid-project desk. Note the untouched newspaper.

Only a routine appointment with the GP this morning, but I'd still rather not go.

From my tree..

2008-12-09T17:33:00.002Z

Exceedingly proud of my miniature wreath, all it took was some Tate advertising material, and a little patience. http://domesticali.typepad.com/domesticali/2008/11/origami-wreath-tutorial.html to make your own. Not sure where the small furry creature came from, one of the small people in my world, no doubt. Am too attached despite the falling fuzzballs to retire it from tree duty.

Tranquil day catching up with old YTC colleagues.

Spare marzipan

2008-12-09T09:52:00.000Z

Major achievement on the marzipan front, but I am holding back on the photography, lest it puts anyone off eating the Christmas cakes. Spare stuff tinted and shaped, as per Delia guidance.

Pile of the unread miraculously down to twenty, though suspect there are a few novels awaiting collection at the Post Office to bring the tally back up again..

The birthday countdown-ometer is clearly in overdrive, and I have no idea how to reset it.

One fine hat

2008-12-08T10:39:00.002Z

Love my new hat. Nursey tells me I'm healing up more quickly this week, excellent. And I had a delightful day in Oxford yesterday, watching my nephew wear raspberries like thimbles before eating them. Today's tasks include impersonating Father Christmas (on paper, at any rate) issuing invitations to his winter wonderland for two children young enough to fall for it, hopefully.

Knees

2008-12-06T16:54:00.003Z

Surrounded by the heady scent of brandy, indulging the cakes one more time. Engrossed by Martin Davies' The Conjuror's Bird with its lichen and moss obsessions, so I see it everywhere.
Magically pruned tree - it has the coyest knees. On Pp's doorstep, where I've spent a happy few hours, and come away proud owner of one more hat. Once a hat girl, always a hat girl. Can't stop collecting now.

Pensionable bagels

2008-12-05T13:28:00.002Z

For JB - can't get a decent photo of one alight, though. El cheapos from Homebase, three of them.
How old a bagel is safe for consumption, if they're bullets even when fresh? Have some antiques under the grill as I type. Spent a pleasant morning typing up short story ideas from writing workshop. Brain alive again.

I'm repeating myself, aren't I?

2008-12-05T10:53:00.005Z

All OK with Nursey this morning; new, rather dashing GP along for the ride; progressed to listening to Desert Island Discs in the waiting area. No news is, I suppose, good news.

I know you've seen him before, but I do love my cat.

If reading this is making your eyes cross with boredom, it's OK, you can stop, I'll understand. Some day soon, I too will stop. Once I'm over the hurdle of being back at work and half-way normal, that will, I trust, be that.

Food confessions

2008-12-04T17:33:00.003Z

One satisfyingly decorated tree.

Having reached the end of the road with fairy cakes, I find myself enjoying remaindered jelly diamonds; the nut-free Christmas cake mixture has matured beautifully (trial cupcake sized selection shrinking rapidly); luminous pink Blooms kosher viennas for dinner, not sure I've tried them since childhood.

Progress

2008-12-04T11:58:00.002Z

Worked out how to use the radio on my phone. Any day now I'll discover how to listen to something other than Radio 2. But it'll accompany me for a walk, which is a help. Was truly wiped out by Tuesday's MRI experience, spent a ridiculous amount of yesterday fast asleep, but am feeling myself again now (I keep saying that, and an hour later I'm asleep again). Stamina, that's next on the agenda.

When you find yourself handwashing the dishes despite the presence of a dishwasher, it's time to go back to work, isn't it? Swept around the cat on the kitchen floor, he watched faithfully, but didn't budge.

Would photograph decorated tree, except haven't decorated it yet.

December, finally

2008-12-03T13:29:00.002Z

Slept in. Headed out on a mission for essentials. This time last year, buying the tree was my first, wobbly, independent, post-surgery outing. This year doesn't even compare. Bought a roll of ribbon from Woolworth's. It's looking pitifully empty (of stock and customers) and dead scruffy.

Think that birthday calculator is a bit wrong, or perhaps it picks up speed towards the end..

Thank heavens that's over..

2008-12-02T16:04:00.002Z

..and thank you our J, as ever the reassuring escort. Felt cross-eyed with tired relief from the moment we were out of there. Slid into compact MRI machine, mere inches of space between nose and lid, hands sticking out over my head, immediate and ongoing need to scratch my nose, feet twiddling out of the bottom, strange clampy thing across my chest [please don't disturb my dressing], line in one arm, emergency alarm to squeeze in the other hand, "Why would I need to use it exactly?", oh, some people decide they've had enough. After the first quarter of an hour, I was beginning to see why. Breathe in, breathe out, hold it, could you breathe faster and deeper please?

Lovely lunch in our favoured Il Sorriso, though the bargain menu has evaporated for Christmas. Surrounded by men in suits.

Thanks to our E, I have a UMass gardening calendar for 2009. If at a loose end, I could follow its instructions to the letter... January 11th - start sketching a plan of your garden beds; January 17th - paint handles of easily misplaced hand tools with a vivid color.

Sleep now; Pride and Prejudice on tv later.

Needs must

2008-12-02T09:33:00.003Z

How did these survive the childhood clearouts? Delighted that they did. Didn't sleep very well. Not remotely eager to get in the MRI machine this morning. Memories of creating my own mobile library on a tea trolley, wheeled round the back garden, forcing everyone to borrow a book, stamped with my John Bull set. Chilly morning. Off soon.

Lousy maths

2008-12-01T11:11:00.005Z

Nursey held up the unused seaweed in triumph this morning, "See how much less we're using!", so are we down to an eighth, then? No, a quarter. But isn't that what you said last week? So long as it's progressing, I'm grateful.

My epicurean hosts declined to have last night's feast photographed, on pain of deserting this blog and never returning. You'll have to take it on trust that it was exquisite.

Xmas cakes fed again, thirsty lot. And a triumph! Constance Spry's 1956 marzipan/almond paste recipe. She doesn't distinguish between the two. Far fewer eggs than Delia, and the interesting addition of orange flower water. What a ridiculous way to spend my day. Never mind.

Gripped by, not quite finished 'Cheating at Canasta', William Trevor. Now there's quality.

Credit crunching at Asda

2008-11-30T15:00:00.000Z

(or Wal Mart, for my friends across the pond). In a demented moment, risked Asda for a few essentials. In recent months shopping has been by internet or at the corner shop, or by bus to Muesli Hill. Except the car park was half empty, and so were the aisles. There's no-one out there, and it's three weeks to Christmas. Something evil this way comes.

The GGs are putting a chicken in the oven, and my contribution is cupcakes (how did they miss out, when I was making them, surely, daily?). Asda get the thumbs down for cake decorations. Very disappointing selection. I'm a little heavy handed with the icing colours today, trust I'm excused.

Thank you, Film4

2008-11-29T11:09:00.003Z

Weekends still feel like weekends, after all this time. Yesterday afternoon was the most tranquil of the week. Burton and Taylor in 'Cleopatra', all four and a half hours of it, which I treated as a radio play (in imminent need of bifocals) while crochet/knitting top secret Christmas gifts. And SS came round with effortless M&S dinner (someone's got to support them, can't let them go the way of Woollies).

That was different

2008-11-28T14:10:00.004Z

Crochet hook out for Christmas. Hope I don't evolve into a scary old baggage who settles on your doorstep for the season, with even stranger gifts. They're tongue-in-cheek, honest.

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A mere 202 posts down, and I forgot how to log in. The perils of autopilot.

Nursey tells me I'm down to a quarter of the original stuffing. Excellent.

Work just phoned and asked how mobile I was, mobile enough to go to the pub? Not that mobile, thanks. Back to my tri-coloured crochet.

Handmade Christmas

2008-11-27T18:50:00.004Z

Apparently Nigella has a book out on the self-same subject. Finally kick-started my Xmas gift manufacturing this afternoon [mysterious objects in bottom left of picture are lavender bags - you're meant to say "Ah, cute" or alternatively "Bloody hell, mumsy or what?"]. One project leads to the next and I'm on a roll. Might not photograph all my doings, because no-one will get a surprise come the great day.

2008-11-27T11:28:00.003Z

Back to snoozing under the blanket, under the cat, throwing another log on the fire. Elderly Ehrman tapestry back out (fortunately they seldom show their age).
First Christmas card of the year today, from Australia (that's forward planning for you), with a bag of chocolate snakes, which I'm sure taste better than they sound. Aspire to escape into variety of projects today, well that's the plan.

Dislocated cat

2008-11-26T15:40:00.003Z

Apologies if photo hurts your eyes. Disturbed the cat during a spot of staring-at-aliens between the cracks in the kitchen floor. Can relate to how he feels.

Haven't been turned this upside down in a while. Our J [have forgotten your name, too many J's, you know who you are] will send emergency Mills&Boon in bulk; that should help. Home from acupuncture to hoovering up the aliens, crumpets with jam (thanks to those GGs with their allotment splendours) and some internet rummaging for poetry and short story writing competitions. Naturally, discovered four, all due to close this Sunday. Unsurprisingly, find it far, far easier to compile neat table of 14 sets of deadlines, competition rules, prizes (as if) than to hone any of my scrawl into shape worthy of entry.

Long letter from employers re: occupational health, contracts, .. Not in the mood today.

Morning, campers

2008-11-26T10:01:00.003Z

Far less melodramatic after escape into junk tv, sympathetic phone call and a baked potato. Alas sufficiently self-absorbed all evening to forget to feed the cat (kept wondering why he was pawing me, though. Worked it out about 10pm. Don't report me to the RSPCA just yet).

Never cease to appreciate the adaptability of the human mind.

Off for acupuncture in Waterloo now; always a source of calm.

All change, a-bloody-gain

2008-11-25T17:32:00.004Z

Back on a handful of homeopathic 'don't panic' pills after an horror-inducing conversation with the perennially upbeat Harriet. She could tell me they were about to amputate a limb, it would still come out all perky. Apparently the return of my periods lead to a number of options a) nothing [preferred by me], b) reduce your oestrogen levels by going back on the Zolodex [no, no and thrice no], or c) eliminate oestrogen in perpetuity by removing my ovaries.

It's been a long time since I've been that terrified by a phone call. Even though my much trusted medical team may leave me well alone, the very thought of having more surgery, being slowly deleted, bit by bit, terrifies me. The prospect of any more hospital procedures makes my heart sink; but more importantly, I hadn't come to terms with the infertility thing at all, had I? A few brief days back on panty liners and paracetomol and I've already fantasised about a miraculous, unexpected pregnancy with which to amaze and amuse the neighbourhood.

The operation even has a comedy name, Oophorectomy, distant cousin to a German oompah band. They're not going to get me anywhere near that, unless I am in grave danger without it. It shouldn't matter, I ought to be pragmatic, but it's my body, and it matters to me. I'd like to keep my periods and my fantasies a while longer, thanks all the same.

Good thing work phoned an hour before that, not an hour later, because I was remarkably perky then, and I'm a wreck now.

Sunshine and shopping lists

2008-11-25T11:00:00.005Z

Thanks to the gentlest yoga class for ladies of my ilk, I slept exceptionally well last night, felt that worrying about anything at all was quite preposterously inappropriate, and floated around all evening, mellow as anything. Heard 5 men in a taxi singing 'On the fifth day of Christmas...five go-o0-ld rings..' on my way home - first of the season, if marginally premature.

Woke, late, to sunshine, feeling ready to take on the world. But will settle for collecting the car from garage and picking up some food.

My Mills & Boon moment lasted almost to bedtime, very relaxing, knowing the ending before you even begin. Plenty of Regency derring-do, and barely a love rival. Delightful.

A good thing

2008-11-24T13:27:00.002Z

Just as I was getting agitated with myself for not exactly doing much lately, my most precious sister has pointed out that taking life quietly right now, is a good thing. Guilt partially assuaged, am returning to the sofa with 'Major Chancellor's Mission', a 10p Mills & Boon.