Dislocated cat

Apologies if photo hurts your eyes.  Disturbed the cat during a spot of staring-at-aliens between the cracks in the kitchen floor.  Can relate to how he feels.

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Haven't been turned this upside down in a while.  Our J [have forgotten your name, too many J's, you know who you are] will send emergency Mills&Boon in bulk;  that should help.  Home from acupuncture to hoovering up the aliens, crumpets with jam (thanks to those GGs with their allotment splendours) and some internet rummaging for poetry and short story writing competitions.  Naturally, discovered four, all due to close this Sunday.  Unsurprisingly, find it far, far easier to compile neat table of 14 sets of deadlines, competition rules, prizes (as if) than to hone any of my scrawl into shape worthy of entry.   

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Long letter from employers re: occupational health, contracts, ..  Not in the mood today.

Morning, campers

Far less melodramatic after escape into junk tv, sympathetic phone call and a baked potato.  Alas sufficiently self-absorbed all evening to forget to feed the cat (kept wondering why he was pawing me, though.  Worked it out about 10pm.  Don't report me to the RSPCA just yet).  

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Never cease to appreciate the adaptability of the human mind.

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Off for acupuncture in Waterloo now;  always a source of calm.

Feeling normal?

After a year's absence, thanks to hormone treatment, my period has returned.  Harriet, my Breast Care Nurse, is away but even leaving a message on her answerphone calms me.  Will I need more show-stopping hormone treatment to bring my oestrogen levels back down?  And just when I was beginning to feel normal.  So long as I don't have to re-start Zolodex injections.  They pre-dated this blog - seven monthly injections that made me thoroughly, thoroughly depressed.  Rebelled;  stopped;  felt better.

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Local Nursey very reassuring, and we're shifting to twice weekly dressings.  Freedom!

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Am off to shul with Cousin R tonight.  Can you turn up in jeans?  A skirt feels like fancy dress.  It is Reform, after all.  

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! Adopt a word !  The English language is up for grabs - see sidebar link.

Where do titles come from, or for that matter, plots?

Had the loveliest day with MP, brother-in-law and little B yesterday.  They were on their third (of 4) days of 'Now you are 3' birthday parties.  Drove [that far, for the first time in months] home through driving rain.  Various friends/relatives came/went holding children of diverse sizes.

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Animal cups (free with ice cream) from S & co went down wonderfully with the birthday boy, as did fairy cakes, story and anything to do with space rockets.

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Am (unsurprisingly) wearier than in a fair while, aching and about to take my first codeine in 8 days (still, 8 days!) 

The unexpected

Flowers, chocolates and card arrived from work.  Interrupted joint householder-and-cat catnap.

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Off for a paper (will ignore all £ related stories) and for tea and a bun with J opposite.  Plenty to keep me pottering for the rest of the day.  But am aspiring to rest, really:  dog tired.

Jubilate!

I've discovered Photoshop!  Remember those Norma Lu Meehan cut out dolls?  Turns out they were a collector's item..  And there I was, setting about them with the scissors.. Oh well.  Life's too short.
Which sensible soul dragged me away from the Cancer Research shop's window display last week?  Well, tough:  you weren't there today, were you?  I now have Wimoweh, and The Leaving of Liverpool...
Not to mention 'Knock three Times...
.. and Baby I'm A Want You  ...  Let your Love Go
.. Give me Back My Heart...
To Sir with Love...
I used to belong to Dean-o's fan club, you know.  Maybe I shouldn't share such revelations..
.. the Streets of London....  and Mrs Adam's Angels...  Yes, yes, I know I could have bought them all on i-tunes.  But this way is so much cheaper, and more fun, and I get the joy of the cover artwork.
Fairies knitting at the bottom of my garden...
I slept in (could it have been the booze?  Thank you S~S), but not too late to catch the dew, or to see Nursey first appointment.
Lavender dandruff in my lounge;  but S~S mastered the lavender corn dolly.
How exactly do I change the sheets with you sleeping there?
Nursey has put micropore on my prescription, saved me a couple of quid.  And I'm trying Vitamin E and iron (for my feeble skin, and the anaemic breathlessness), and antihistamines for the skin reaction to any sort of covering now.

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And one further Oxfam indulgence, 'Fate has been kind', the memoirs of The Rt Hon Pethick Lawrence PC.  What a life,  two world wars, an Eton childhood to the last days of the Raj, to imprisonment for supporting the suffragettes, to bankruptcy (including forfeiture of his club membership, a cruel blow) to Parliament and poetry writing.  How come I'd never heard of him?  

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Sunniest of days.  I'm getting out there.

Farewell, Cape Cod

If no-one objects, I've removed Cape Cod - that side bar was getting mighty long.  How familiar are you with Russell Square environs?  You can trace my journey from tube to Hospital... I keep meaning to go to exhibitions at the Horse Hospital. 
Poor bird, its little feet encased in concrete.  Wonder if he ended up too heavy to fly.
Now would you just look at that price label.  All I can say is:  that was as fine a Saturday night as they come, and thank you Stuart Thompson.
Precious GG1 or 2 (I still haven't worked it out), sorting out her winter kit at the Cycle Surgery in Holborn, while I sat on the step, reading from, alternately, little B's 'Tell the Time with the Pooh', 'What's the Time, Maisy?' and John Diamond's 'Snake Oil and other preoccupations', all the while panting for breath.  Could it be anaemia?  Hmm.  Madam also reckons ms Shulman won't write back, because that would only be acknowledging that I'd made a valid point.  Perhaps GG's right, but if so, what a twisted world we inhabit.

And there's more (whose catchphrase was that?)  S~S due for our fortnightly indulgence this evening.  Life is far from bad.  Song for today:  'Mississipi Goddam', Nina Simone - echoes my tempo and level of frustration perfectly.  

Soothed, slightly

My local psychotherapy services are really rather good.  Sensible top tips included:  keep writing and sleep on the sofa if you feel like it. 
Though I wince at the thought of all the damaged children who must have played with these.
This cat hasn't moved all morning.  Clearly set in for the day.  It's sunny out there, and I'm off for some spiritual healing [anything that keeps me lying down for an hour has to be good].   Did I tell you how I had such ants in my pants I couldn't sit in the acupuncturist's waiting room last week?  Pacing on the pavement, he had to come out and lassoo me in, steer me to the treatment table.

Blogged

If you follow the 'blogged' icon in the sidebar, you'll find 40 other women with breast cancer.  Unfortunately, some of them are dead, but many of them are wonderful blogs.

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Have realised that by not purchasing daily newspapers, I can create a £365 annual shoe budget!

24 pairs of shoes, and a cat

Improved version of this post at '24 pairs of shoes, and a cat ii'  !

A night off

Thank you, S~S and co for a lovely night; making me feel very, very normal.  AD spontaneously doing a bit of DIY mid-evening, and why not.  What fabulous serviettes, courtesy of AS (CC, please tell her that they entertained me hugely).

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Post-war 6 year-old's were clearly a very bright bunch - I'm finding this jigsaw not half as straightforward as I'd thought.  And there's a missing pig.  So, would whoever is now living in my childhood home kindly look one more time under the sofa.  Thank you.

Breathe out

Off to my much-missed wonderful Haven [see side-bar] today for acupuncture; it's the bee's knees for hot flushes. Can't remember the last Thursday without a hospital appointment.

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Are you, by any chance, contemplating commenting on this blog, but confused by how to do so? Just click 'Anonymous' and the software will be much more generous with you. Anything you suggest comes to me first (lest I really object) before being published.

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KW has drawn me a beautiful bird feeder. The only way to check my cat's level of decrepitude is to install one, I suppose.

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Cape Cod again. Lovely isn't it? That was an excellent break, our JB, I am so glad we did it.

"Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril"

Shall we have a daily shot of Oscar?

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I always feel rather sorry for poor old Di, not much of a monument, is it?


Did I really go from snapping the ducks to eating one? I do so like a Chinese restaurant, where even my table manners are considered elegant.
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Peaceful morning in half-empty Kensington Gardens. V. disappointing Frank Gehry at the Serpentine, GG, or maybe it just looked rubbish in the rain.
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And did I really pass Limkokwing University on the bus? (yes, Malaysian, apparently). I'll probably get all sorts of awful spam now.
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Home to music and fairy cake baking.

All the better for a nap

Out of even-handedness towards the animal kingdom, may I introduce T? Taking a brief moment's shut-eye, dreaming of Olympic glory.

Indefatiguable, the human spirit, innit?

My feed bucket calls.

xx

Limbo

Does this cat look slightly grumpy to you? Just a smidgen fed up with the medical establishment, possibly a tad cynical? Join the club, Tiger.

Ever seen 'House'? Medics having a great big barney before giving the patient the wrong medical treatment, nearly killing them, but saving them in time for the final credits (unless black, you usually die in House if you're black, it's 50:50 if you're Hispanic).

This afternoon my oncologist told me that they don't know what's going on in my breast, they have lots of conflicting information, he can't quite believe it is a tumour, because it's a jolly big one to have arrived so fast, and there's definitely fluid there; he's recommending a further biopsy & MRI scan before any surgery happens. Meanwhile, surgical team were most keen to do exploratory surgery, come what may - and may yet overrule him (if in doubt, cut it out; the power of the knife, eh lads?). The liver abnormalities didn't suggest cancer to him, it may be inflamed though, painful is it? Do you drink much? Two sips since January, not even two units, it makes me so ill. Hmmm, he said, thoughtfully, let's take one step at a time. I'm under strict instructions to live each day as it comes, and await Tuesday's biopsy (and the MRI might not be until 8th Sept - that's a lot of waiting).

I couldn't exactly murder someone, but... you were with me JS - how am I supposed to forget that conversation with HBC? You know, the one where she prepared me for a mastectomy and chemotherapy, saying, "Don't worry, we won't leave you without a nipple", not the sort of comment you forget, that, really.

I've got a 3 month sick note that says 'Breast Cancer'. And it hurts. And I've been preparing myself for serious medical treatment (not to mention those around me - what have you been put through???) All I will now hope for is to absolutely submerge myself in displacement activity until Tuesday - it doesn't feel wise to either get excited about being in the clear, or indeed the opposite. Official limbo.

Good morning

Damp but sunny out there today. EB, look - I bought that plant that promises to take over my pond; Christopher Lloyd says it feels like old man's 3-day beard, he's perfectly right of course.

Slept well, woke wondering if those hideous decorative beams on my bedroom ceiling have any integral purpose, but now, I daresay, is not the time to find out.

I have a lovely replacement mobile (thank you, Virgin, £2.99), but its ringtone sounds like an Egyptian belly dancer & I Can Only Seem To Send Texts With Initial Capitals.

The lovely lost cat has been claimed. I will now attempt a leisurely (ho, bloody ho) morning until 2pm Consultant's appt. xxx

On the other hand (paw) ...

So as to be fair to our canine brethren, I am attaching my first ever origami scottie dog (a little heavy on the front legs, perhaps, but perky in the tail). And now it really is time for bed. Goodnight, and thank you for putting up with me.

Do you know this cat?

This evening, S found this amenable creature drinking from a puddle, scrawny, ever so friendly, just up the street. Clearly lost.

I've made a poster, others are sticking it up as I speak. If his/her owner doesn't show up, (s)he'll make a great adoptee. Not even a flea.

The triband took a bath

In the habit of using whatever comes to hand to make a cat-proof lid for my water glass - but I shouldn't have used my phone. Please, no-one text me until I've sorted out a replacement!

O generous gardeners, home-made bread, jam & Andy Warhol. Want a link to your classes on this site? Valuable feedback: it appears GG are not alone in their confusion re the sequence of recent medical events - I am too. How is it possible for the GP to have a diagnosis of recurrence on my files dated June, and yet for me to be oblivious until 21st July & then not be scheduled for surgery until some point in September?? No wonder my 'local recurrence' is already 3cm in diameter. But there's at least one good reason to delay until Sept: S~S will be here to bring me heaven-sent food in hospital again. There's an upside to anything if you think about it long enough. Thought of you as I admired the fern collection late last night.

NB ~ if he finds reading all this a bit squeamish, would you tell that little south coast imp that I so fondly remember him in class. I can't rank my students, but if I ever did, he'd be right up there.

Playlist.com is very stubborn - it won't locate Mr Reed's 'New York Conversation' for me, and it's never even heard of precious Mahaliah Jackson or Arvo Part. Perhaps I'll write another list somewhere. Moby playing 'God moving over the face of the earth' as I write - Beloved brother-in-law would call it music for bedwetters.

'There's a lot on it', said one GG, weighing her words with care. This is true. But there could be a good deal more. I was seriously considering typing up my entire holiday diaries at one point & attaching scenic photos.

Apologised to Harriet, the Breast Cancer Nurse (henceforward HBC - almost a bank) for being so crotchety on the phone, she told me not to worry, my reactions were normal, "Don't you dare call me normal. Nobody's ever called me that before, and they're not starting now".

Morning coffee from my HM Prison Holloway mug, now there's quality.

Under the cat

Fell asleep under the cat out of sheer relief ~ I spend too little time on the sofa these days, no newspapers or tv since coming back from the States, too agitated, but soon, soon.

Three fine allotment holders visited today, armed with tea, sympathy and Fortnum & Mason cupcakes. And that stylish Russian woman from next door (just what has that guy got to deserve her??) came round, sheepishly, to say "I've had this envelope of yours for weeks". Yes! 'American Bungalow', here at last!

Sainsburger's this afternoon, where I bought everything I felt like & completely ignored that Nutritionist's list [since Feb I'd been conscientiously minimising dairy, cured meat, and anything remotely entertaining. It clearly made no difference whatsoever. My current target is to: eat. Therefore: I buy.] Hello again yoghurt, cottage cheese, salami, mackerel & pickled herring (can I offer you one, KW? Oh, go on, do try), you have no idea how much I missed you.

Gilbert O'Sullivan on the ipod [he'd be on my playlist, but he's too much of an anti-commercial snob to allow me to download 'Nothing Rhymed', in his garret, still recording, ignoring the world, sending out occasional missives, Emily Dickinson-style].

Aiming for an early night, tomorrow nothing worse than blood tests, hopefully. Builder didn't show up again. Nothing new there then.

It is becoming increasingly evident that a fair number of people very dear to me are reading this, for which I am inordinately grateful, and for some of whom this may be a slightly odd way to communicate, but nonetheless, we continue. So much love to all (and peace for me). xx